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Innehåll
Capabilities of C-programmers
The light bulb
New warning texts
Management structure
Elephant hunting
Rules of etiquette for inexperienced cats
Top 10 signs your cat has learned your internet password
How to give your cat a pill
French solution to the year 2000-problem
Economist jokes
Cowboy computer jargon
(Un)famous predictions by experts
Net addict's reality test
How to install software - a 12-step program
Instructions for Microsoft's new TV dinner product
Things computers can do in movies
Some police reports from all over the country
Some courtroom quotes
The ultimate proof
If the Beatles used computers
You might be an engineer if
Things to do when you are bored
Job ads with translation
Things you would never know without the movies
How smart do you think you are?
Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work
18 ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight
The world of computer terms as seen by the marketing department
Bar Troubleshooting Guide
Stop the Genocide
You are an Internet Addict when ...
Aren't Computers Grand
Haiku Error Messages
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Hacker Barbie
Ancient Tech Support
Data Dictionary
The Official Drinking Scale
Allt Du Behöver Veta Om De Vanligaste Uttrycken På Sjön
The creation of the Cat
Feline physics
Year 0 problem
The Cat/English dictionary
Two new chemical elements
Förklaing av datatermer
Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime
Kattbadning som kampsport
Ballerinakex
Om bilen vore en PC
Lite nyttiga(??) engelska fraser!
Volvos supportavdelning
God Has Affair With Worshipper
Olika felmeddelanden
Frågor och svar om utomjordingar
Hur man slår in en present


Capabilities of C-programmers

Novice
puts: #include <stdio.h> in his code, but is not sure why,
has heard of pointers, but has never seen one.
User
has had a bad experience with pointers,
knows the difference between ' and ".
Knowledgeable
uses: if (a==b) c = 1; else c = 0;
uses pointers, but only in place of arrays,
loves writing code on VMS.
Expert
uses: c = (a==b) ? 1 : 0;
uses pointers comfortably,
is jazzed when he finds a compiler bug because he found it,
has figured out what && and || are for,
refuses to write C code on VMS.
Hacker
uses: c = a==b;
writes code which use pointers to functions,
writes macros instead of simple functions,
uses bitwise operators because they are like assembler,
writes simple code with cat and compiles it with !cc,
uses: argv and argc.
Guru
avoids bitwise operators due to portability,
is annoyed with compiler bugs,
writes code portable enough to port from VMS but doesn't relish the thought,
can answer most C questions after a little thought.
Wizard
writes compilers with cat (and they work!),
reads device driver source with breakfast,
can tell what question you are about to ask, and answer it,
is on a first-name basis with Dennis, Bill, and Ken.

UppUpp


The light bulb

Q: How many UNIX programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb. One to write the manual page. One to describe what all the options are for. One to explain why it is better to change lightbulbs with UNIX than with DOS.

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

UppUpp


New warning texts

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling", this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

UppUpp


Management structure

A management structure is often referred to as a tree. This is an accurate description for the following reasons:

UppUpp


Elephant hunting

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

  1. Go to Africa.
  2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
  3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
  4. During each traverse pass,
    1. Catch each animal seen.
    2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:

SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = "TERRESTRIAL" AND SIZE = "LARGE" AND COLOR = "GRAY" AND TRUNK = "YES" AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

PHYSICANS do not shoot elephants, unless paid for the overtime.

NURSES shoot, skin, cut and package elephants, but only on night-shifts and without extra pay.

NURSES' TRADE UNION shoots not only elephants, but also anything else moving around.

CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGISTS do not shoot elephants, they talk them to death.

SOCIAL WORKERS shoot only male elephants and organize a care network for the lonely mother and children.

MEDICAL SECRETARIES do not afford to even dream of going on a safari.

MEDICAL STUDENTS believe they shot an elephant, but did in reality hit a gas truck. Luckily, it was empty.

UppUpp


Rules of etiquette for inexperienced cats

UppUpp


Top 10 signs your cat has learned your internet password

  1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces [=stödbandage vid handledsinflammation/MN] near the scratching post.
  2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
  3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
  4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
  5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog".
  6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
  7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/
  8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip
  9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
  10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy".

UppUpp


How to give your cat a pill

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
  3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
  4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
  5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
  7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
  8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Oooops!
  9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
  10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
  13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
  14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
  15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
  16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voilà! It's done.
  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
  18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

UppUpp


French solution to the year 2000-problem

Paris, Tuesday, 1st of April 1997

The French Ministry of Informatics (MOI) today announced that they have determined that French computer systems will not be affected by the year 2000 problem. An extensive series of tests have been run on a wide range of applications within the country and on no system has a Y2K problem been apparent.

A spokesman put this good fortune down to a side-effect of the French number system. In this system the number eighty is represented by the composite "quatre vingts" - literally "four twenties." French computer systems represent the "quatre" as a single digit and will harmlessly roll over to "cinq vingts" or "five twenties" while the rest of the world collapses. Thus, "quatre vingts dix neuf" will increment to "cinq vingts."

French speaking areas of Belgium and Switzerland are bemused by these developments, because they still use the older "septant, octant, nonant" system for 70, 80, and 90. The Belgian government is thought to be considering an urgent change in the language. This would provide a major boost for the less prosperous French speaking part of the country when computer systems are relocated to French speaking communes.

Microsoft has announced that it will use similar techniques to guarantee the PCs will not suffer from such problems, by launching a new version of their operating system. "Windows ninety ten" is expected to be available in the year 2002.

UppUpp


Economist jokes

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

Two economist were standing by a bank of elevators on the ground floor. Three elevators passed them on our way to the basement. The first one said "I wonder why everybody in the basement wants to go upstairs." He responded, almost instantly: "You're confusing supply with demand."

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?" "Yes", answered the others eagerly. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."

Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

I asked an economist for her phone number ... and she gave me an estimate.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A4: None. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
A5: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!!!
A6: None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market lighting to correct the disequilibrium.

Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.

Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years.

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the AD (agg. demand) to the right ...

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, plus/minus ten.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given.

Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?
A: The economist is the one with the calculator.

True story: The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker is an eminent economist. The chairman, who sees himself as a bit of a wag, says, "I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws." The economist, not to be outdone, replies, "My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process."

NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT, Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. State takes both of them, kill one and spill the milk in system of sewage.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

UppUpp


Cowboy computer jargon

Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Window: Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Floppy: When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions.

ROM: Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Mouse: Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN: To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck".

Cursor: A guy who is mad at his wife/girlfriend.

Bit: A wager, as in "I bit you cain't spit that watermelon seed 'cross the porch longways".

Packet: What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Digital Control: What your fingers do on the TV remote.

UppUpp


(Un)famous predictions by experts

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899
"There will never be a bigger plane built."
A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten people.
"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality."
Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will."
Albert Einstein, 1932
"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane."
The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965.
"It will be years, not in my time, before a woman will become Prime Minister."
Margaret Thatcher, 1974
"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
Business Week, August 2, 1968
"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, 1949
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977
"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."
Western Union memo, 1876
"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.
"Who wants to hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone With The Wind.
"Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields' Cookies
"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.
"I think there's a world market for about five computers."
Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value whatsoever."
Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work."
Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929
"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping."
U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941
"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
Lee DeForest, inventor
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out."
MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married."
Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck."
Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel."
MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"All saved from Titanic after collision."
New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald."
Berlin professor, 1914.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam."
Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

UppUpp


Net addict's reality test

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net addict's reality test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

1. What do you think are good names for children?

  1. Scott and Jenny.
  2. Bill Gates IV.
  3. Mozilla and Dotcom.

2. What's a telephone?

  1. A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
  2. A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
  3. Something you plug into a modem.

3. Which punctuation is most correct?

  1. I had a wonderful day!
  2. I had a **wonderful** day!!!
  3. I had a wonderful day :-)

4. You wake up at 4:00 in the morning and decide to:

  1. Visit the washroom.
  2. Raid the fridge.
  3. Check your E-mail.

5. What are RAM and ROM?

  1. A male sheep and a city in Italy.
  2. Hulking stars of the WWF.
  3. I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

6. To avoid a virus you should:

  1. Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
  2. Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
  3. Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:

  1. Ask friends where to purchase it.
  2. Check out the Yellow Pages.
  3. Go to Yahoo!

8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:

  1. Call the retailer.
  2. Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
  3. Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:

  1. Visit a club on a Saturday night.
  2. Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
  3. Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?

  1. Hi, I'm Jane!
  2. Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
  3. Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:

  1. Tell me more about yourself.
  2. What's your star sign?
  3. What's your Profile?

12. If you really like the person, you say:

  1. Could you tell me your phone number?
  2. What's your E-mail address?
  3. Let's chat Private.

13. When I say spam, you think:

  1. Ham in a can.
  2. Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
  3. I mailbomb all spammers!

14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:

  1. I don't need another mug coaster.
  2. Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
  3. Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

15. When you want to research a reference you:

  1. Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
  2. Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
  3. Go to www.altavista.digital.com

16. When you write a letter you:

  1. Put pencil to paper.
  2. Open Eudora.
  3. Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?

17. Different types of text formatting include:

  1. Writing and printing.
  2. Underline and double-strike.
  3. Bold and italic.

18. You correct errors using:

  1. An eraser.
  2. White-out.
  3. Backspace or delete.

19. You sign your name:

  1. Best regards, John Smith.
  2. See you in IRC, John_Smith.
  3. Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com

20. To keep a copy of your letter you:

  1. Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
  2. Take it to the photocopier.
  3. Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.
If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.
If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.

UppUpp


How to install software - a 12-step program

  1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
    It should look something like this:
    SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
    2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
    628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
    719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
    3546 MB RAM
    432323 MB ROM
    05948737 MB RPM
    ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
    2 TURTLE DOVES
    NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
  2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
  3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
    LICENSING AGREEMENT:
    By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light ... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
  4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
  5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
  6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
  7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
  8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

    The Installation Program will now examine your system to
    see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.
    Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

  9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like puree.exe, fester.dat and doo.wha.
  10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
    CONGRATULATIONS
    The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to you and your computer has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*5)$*!#$_$*5&
  11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
  12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

UppUpp


Instructions for Microsoft's new TV dinner product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

UppUpp


Things computers can do in movies

  1. Word processors never display a cursor.
  2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
  4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
  5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
  6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
  8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
  9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
  10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
  11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
  12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
  13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
  14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
  15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
  16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
  17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
  18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
  19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
  20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
  21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
  22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".)
  23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
  24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
  25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
  26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)
  27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

UppUpp


Some police reports from all over the country

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Some courtroom quotes

Lawyer to defendant: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit three and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Defendant: I'll be three months on november eighth.
Lawyer: Apparently, then the date of conception was August the eighth?
Defendant: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

Lawyer: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Mrs. Jones: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Defendant: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys.
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Defendant: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington?
Coroner: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Lawyer: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Coroner: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

UppUpp


The ultimate proof

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
---- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
----- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

  Work
--------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more money you Make. QED.

UppUpp


If the Beatles used computers - new lyrics to Beatles Songs

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while ...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

Write in C (Let it Be)

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps ...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me ...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know ...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know ...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me ...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

UppUpp


You might be an engineer if:

UppUpp


Things to do when you are bored

Things you can do with absolutely nothing:

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for a while, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbor's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and ... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment - does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose ...
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

UppUpp


Job ads with translation

"This is not, repeat, not a position for an academic-type of internet hacker. Rather, it is a need for a solid business applications developer type."
("Even though we are trying to implement a cutting-edge web-based system, we are unaware that the academic community is precisely the place that such systems originated, and where a lot of the people who know how about them can be found. We would prefer to hire someone who still finds spreadsheets and accounting software exciting.")
"Due to the volume of expected responses, we are only able to contact candidates who qualify for this position."
("Although sending an e-mail response to a received cover letter and resume would only a take a few seconds, we are too busy to indulge in this basic, common courtesy. We're also not smart enough to automate the process. Guess you'll never know if we received and read your resume.")
"HOT! Call today!"
("My project is a mess and I need to hire someone immediately who can either bail me out, or, by virtue of being the latest hire, take the blame." )
"Candidates should be able to start work immediately."
("Don't bother giving a reasonable amount of notice to your current employer. Of course, should you ever leave our firm, we'll expect 90 days notice.")
"No relocation assistance available."
("We're cheap. We think so little of you that we won't even pick up the $2K it'll cost to move your 1-bedroom apartment's worth of furniture 400 miles.")
"Wanted : Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience"
("We're clueless, but very easy to impress.")
"Applicant must have a minimum of 10 solid years working as [...] Submit cover letter, resume, and transcript to [...]"
("Even though this is a field where the technology turns over every three years, we think how you did in Organic Chemistry in college over a decade go has some relevance to your qualifications.")
"YOU WILL HAVE 5+ YEARS EXPERIENCE AS A CFO IN A HIGH TECH COMPUTER INDUSTRY."
("Please teach us where the CAPS LOCK key is.")
Entire Ad = "Wanted: Unix/C programmers."
("We think you're so hungry that you'll jump at any job with this in the title, even though we list no other qualifications, don't tell you what kind of work you'll be doing, or even where we're located.")
[...] implementing new system on VAX/VMS platform with DECNET [...]
("We still think VMS and DECNET are hot technologies and that this Unix and TCP/IP fad will be over any minute. Hey ... do you think we could get Ken Olsen?")
"Skills: Pearl, Linus, Seashell, [...]"
("We're really clueless.")
"Title: Senior Unix Administrator. Location: New York City. Salary range: $30-$45K."
("We think you're really clueless.")
"Please submit resumes in Word format with subject 'Lead Unix Admin' to : [...]"
("Even though we are looking for a senior Unix person, we are so brainwashed by Microsoft that it didn't dawn on us that Word is a proprietary format used by a word processor almost completely avoided by Unix people.")
"[...] interfacing the Web with legacy systems including mainframes [...]"
("We want you to take the hottest technology available and shackle it to hardware and software that were obsolete before you graduated from college. Don't worry, this will not damage your career.")
"Ability to carry pager and perform after-hours and weekend work required."
("We're too cheap to actually hire as many qualified people as we need, so we're going to try to squeeze unpaid overtime out of you and everyone else on the staff at the expense of your personal lives.")
"You will work in a team with 2 or 3 other people in a fast-paced environment. Adherance to strict deadlines is critical as well as the ability to learn and be innovative."
("We're behind schedule. Really behind schedule. We'd like to convince you to join these other poor bastards in hell.")
"Are you a programmer on a legacy/mainframe system and want to transition your career into something new? Well the [...] Group, Inc. is looking for mainframe programmers with experience in COBOL, DB2, IMS, CICS, and others."
("Didn't bother to keep your skillset current? We think we can now hire you at a bargain rate because you'll do anything in order to get yourself retrained on technology from this decade.")
"New York System Integration company has short and long term needs for Sun Unix admins. Competency Level 1500 and 2000 especially sought."
("We think that you'll know what somebody's skill assessment system for Unix administrators will mean, even though we didn't bother to tell you here. Bonus if you're clairvoyant.")
"Position available for a very senior internet expert. Should have a very solid education, experience and the potential to be an industry leader. Position details are confidential, for qualified candidates only."
("In fact, the position details are so confidential, that we haven't bothered to tell you just what sort of skills we're looking for (routers? protocols? operating systems? programming? web site development? all of them?), where this position is located, or what it's responsibilities might be. Even though we've provided you next to nothing to go on, we expect you to figure out whether or not you're qualified. And since we're one of the companies that doesn't do applicants the courtesy of acknowledging resumes, you'll never know if you guessed wrong.")

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Things you would never know without the movies

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How smart do you think you are?

Here's a little quiz:

20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

  1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
  2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
  3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
  4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
  5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
  6. How many outs are there in an inning?
  7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
  8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
  9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
  10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
  11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
  12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
  13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
  14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
  15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
  16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
  17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
  18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
  19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
  20. What was the president's name in 1950?

Answers:

  1. Yes
  2. One
  3. All of them (12)
  4. The beggar is her sister.
  5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
  6. 6
  7. No - because he is dead.
  8. They aren't playing each other.
  9. 70
  10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
  11. 2
  12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
  13. The match.
  14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
  15. 1 Hour
  16. 9
  17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
  18. Meat
  19. 12
  20. Same as it is now.

Another quiz:

  1. If a plane crashes on the border of the USA and Canada where are the survivors buried?
  2. An electric train is travelling due south. The wind is coming from the east, which way will the trains' smoke blow?
  3. A rooster is sitting on the roof of Joe's house. If he lays an egg and it rolls to the right, it lands in Joes property. But if rolls to the left, it will be on his neighbor Sam's land. Should Sam be allowed to keep the eggs?
  4. Joe also has a potato plant that is growing near the edge of his property. Sam says he wants to pick any potato he sees growing over his fence. Can Sam pick the potato?

Answers:

  1. Survivors aren't buried.
  2. Electric trains don't have smoke.
  3. Roosters don't lay eggs.
  4. Potatos grow underground.

UppUpp


Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work

  1. "That's Weird ..."
  2. "It's never done that before."
  3. "It worked yesterday."
  4. "How is that possible?"
  5. "It must have a hardware problem."
  6. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
  7. "There is something funky in your data"
  8. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
  9. "You must have wrong version."
  10. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
  11. "I can't test everything!"
  12. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
  13. "It works, but it's not been tested."
  14. "Somebody must have changed my code."
  15. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
  16. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
  17. "You can't use that version on your system."
  18. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
  19. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
  20. "I thought I fixed that."

UppUpp


18 ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight

  1. Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"
  2. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
  3. Call the stewardess "nurse".
  4. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours ..."
  5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
  6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
  7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever justbecause, this is the song that never ends ..." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
  8. Continually offer to share your "Beano".
  9. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
  10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
  11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
  12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
  13. There is no 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking a bus instead and annoy the passengers there.
  14. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph ... you own their soul ... " while smiling maniacally.
  15. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here ..."
  16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee" such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
  17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "?My, youhave a very irate home,' she said governessly."
  18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

UppUpp


The world of computer terms as seen by the marketing department.

ALL NEW
Software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN
Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH
It finally booted on the first try.
NEW
Different colors from previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY
Developed on a shoe string budget.
EXCLUSIVE
We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED
Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION
All parameters are hard-coded.
FUTURISTIC
It will only run on the next generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY
All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST
Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE
Impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS
It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN
Works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY
Disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM
We shipped it once before and we can do it again.
UNMATCHED
Almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE
Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
Finally got one to work.

UppUpp


Bar Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault
Glass empty.
Action
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action
Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
Symptom
Feet cold and wet.
Fault
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Symptom
Feet warm and wet.
Fault
Improper bladder control.
Action
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
Symptom
Floor blurred.
Fault
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom
Floor moving.
Fault
You are being carried out.
Action
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault
You have fallen over backward.
Action
Have yourself leashed to bar.
Symptom
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault
You have fallen forward.
Action
See above.
Symptom
Room seems unusually dark.
Fault
Bar has closed.
Action
Confirm home address with bartender.

UppUpp


Stop the Genocide

Every second billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed all over the world. Inhumanly they are put on a pipeline and executed with no regard to their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared, although they should be executed instead of the legal ones.

Prior to the execution the instructions are transported to a cache unit using a bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the execution. Just before the execution the instruction is separated into several pieces. The execution isn't always fast and painless. On crude hardware the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times.

Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their products like DOSTM, WindowsTM, WordTM and ExcelTM. It is more humane to use software which minimises the executions.

Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred million instructions per second. The time is near when there will be no more instructions to execute.

ACT NOW! Before it's too late!

UppUpp


You are an Internet Addict when ...

  1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
  3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
  4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
  5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".
  7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
  8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  12. Your dog has its own home page.
  13. You can't call your mother ... She doesn't have a modem.
  14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
  16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
  17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
  19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" - even though you don't have a job.
  21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  22. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
  23. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
  24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ... because you never log off.
  25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
  26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
  28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

UppUpp


Aren't Computers Grand

  1. Home is where you hang your @
  2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  10. The modem is the message.
  11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  13. A chat has nine lives.
  14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  16. What boots up must come down.
  17. Windows will never cease.
  18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  20. Modulation in all things.
  21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  22. There's no place like http://www.home.com/
  23. Know what to expect before you connect.
  24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  25. Speed thrills.
  26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

UppUpp


Haiku Error Messages

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

UppUpp


Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

UppUpp


Hacker Barbie

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's you're Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"

"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

UppUpp


Ancient Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

sigh You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave
WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM

UppUpp


Data Dictionary

Backup
What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bar Code
Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Bug
The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte
What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache
Needed when you run out of food stamps.
Chip
Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal
Time to call the undertaker.
Crash
When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital
The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette
Female Disco dancer.
Fax
What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker
Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy
Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet
Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard
Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac
Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz
How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem
What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse Pad
Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network
Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online
Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM
Where the pope lives.
Screen
Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial Port
A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor
Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI
What you call your week-old underwear.

UppUpp


The Official Drinking Scale

  1. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
  2. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
  3. Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
  4. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers to give impression that still capable of intelligent thought.
  5. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
  6. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
  7. Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
  8. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
  9. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
  10. Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
  11. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
  12. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
  13. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

UppUpp


Allt Du Behöver Veta Om De Vanligaste Uttrycken På Sjön

Durk
Golvet inuti båten.
Däck
Golvet utanpå båten.
Reling
Kanten på båten, sista kontakt innan man ramlar överbord.
Lovart
Vindriktning som man ej bör spy eller kissa i.
Kapell
Uppsamlingsanordning för måsskit.
Tamp
Snöre som man kan hålla fast båten i.
Halkip
Håller tampen i läge. Gör ont att fastna med stortån i.
Dragg
Järnskrot, som skulle suttit i tampen innan den slängdes i vattnet.
Kompass
Synnerligen dumt ställe att förvara sprit i. Kan också användas för att hitta och köra på grynnor med större percision.
Vattenlinje
Bör ej gå över rufftaket.
Sjökort
Karta över olika vatten som underlättar identifiering av nyss påkörd grynna.
Grynna
Rörlig förhöjning av sjöbotten.
Sluss
Hiss för båtar. Förvandlas till öppet dårhus på fredagskvällar. Benämns också skilsmässodike.
Roder
Utrustningsdetalj för att möjliggöra felnavigering.
Kölsvin
Svinet under durken.
Kapten
Svinet ovanpå durken.
Segel
Tygsjok för att snabbt få omkull en båt.
Mast
Åskledare belamrad med linor och annan bråte.
Bom
Liggande mast. Vanlig orsak till skallskador.
Boj
Flytande fäste för båt. Medverkar till att blodkärl i hjärnan brister.
Båtshake
Käpp med krok i. Brukar komma till användning när 3 promille överskrides.
Ruff
Utrymme för att förvara kutryggiga och på annat sätt vanskapta människor.
Gösstake
Anordning för snabb kastration av män på hala däck.
Koj
Undermålig sovplats i båt, där förut friska människor blir vanskapta. Kan med viss svårighet användas för att göra människor i.

UppUpp


The creation of the Cat